Unrequited Love of Writing

I love writing… Crafting stories…  Creating clever ways of twisting expectations and breathing life into something that didn’t exist. But there is one thing I continuously fail at and regardless of how hard I try. I can’t find my audience. I have created a product by me and for me, and in doing so have isolated an entire world of people.

When I watch a movie or show that I like, I run to my friends and family and say “THIS! YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!” But my stories don’t have the same appeal.

I’m still walking around saying “YOU NEED TO SEE THIS!” but people don’t care. I have failed to make anyone care.

Don’t get me wrong… People care about me and I’m grateful for that. Almost all the sales I have on my book are because people care about me, and not based on any talent I have. But only a handful seem to really get anything out of my writing. Of the people who purchased my book, more than half didn’t read it, some start and never finished, and some did read until the end. So I wait patiently, months even, for some kind of response.

Nothing...

So I ask... “How was it?”

To which a few voices raise saying, “It was good.” With a polite nod.

And that’s that. No elaboration. No in depth discussion about the details I spend hours meticulously structuring. “It was good.”

 It’s not their fault. I can’t say I expect more, and they certainly don’t owe me it, but I wanted them to enjoy it. It is like spending days slaving away in the kitchen to make a meal and no one is eating. I look back at all the dirty pots and pans and think I could have saved myself the trouble and made cereal and no one would have cared.

 Why can’t I emulate the rush I get when I watch or read something amazing where I want to share it with everyone?

“Did you watch that season of the Walking Dead?”

“Oh man, I can’t wait for the next season of Daredevil!”

Why can’t I invoke that response in people. Not because they want to pat me on the head, but because I have appealed to their interest and created something that causes them to genuinely enjoy themselves.

So, you might be thinking “If you love writing what’s the problem?”

I love writing, but it comes at a cost. Lots of time and money. Not to you. Not to my audience.  My blogs are free. My YouTube channels are free. Heck, even my book is free if you have a Kindle Prime account. And I’m even planning to make an audio book version for free as well. I have literally given books away that I have paid for… and  despite the smiles it is utterly soul crushing to see a lack of interest.

Have you ever fallen in love?

Writing is like falling in love with someone who doesn’t love you back. Night after night… dollar after dollar you give, because you enjoy the time. You see the cost adding up, but you ignore it because you hope that someday it might become something more. Then one day you realize that this love is one sided. That there is never any return and that there may never be. No kisses. No hugs.  No hand holding. No promises given. Very little reassurance within the relationship itself. But you have friends saying to keep going because they see you can be happy with the little portion of love you have, despite it not being enough to really satisfy.

That is what it is like for me. I have something I love with absolutely no promises that anything will come out of it. And every moment I pour into creating an image, structuring a sentence, putting on a show, sharing, etc… it’s all feels for nothing. A waste. Flowers in the garbage.

That is the trouble I have with writing. And I'm afraid I won’t be able to make up for it.